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♪ Terrible Tudors,
Gorgeous Georgians

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♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights

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♪ Horrors that defy description

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♪ Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

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♪ Punishments from ancient times

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♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

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♪ Cavemen, savage,
fearsome, toothless

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♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages

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♪ Gory stories, we do that

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♪ And your host, a talking rat

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♪ The past is no longer a mystery

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♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories. ♪

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Horrible Histories presents...

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Our day-to-day lives may have
changed a lot over the centuries.

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But whatever the era,
whatever the civilisation,

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each new day always
started with a sunrise.

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Although in ancient Egypt,
we believed the sun wouldn't rise

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without a bit of help
from the Pharaoh.

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Right, I'd better go and get her up.

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♪ I am The Pharaoh of Egypt

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♪ But I get up before everyone

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♪ Gotta wake this god
♪ Amun-Ra

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♪ So he'll light up the sky
with the sun

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{\an8}
but we rush through

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♪ To the Temple...

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♪ Must get washed and dressed
♪ No lie-in

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♪ For a Pharaoh, don't you know?

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♪ All the priests in the temple pray

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♪ Amun-Ra, Amun-Ra
Bring the day

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♪ Up at the crack of dawn

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♪ To wake like an Egyptian

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♪ Breakfast arrives -
milk, cake, bread

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♪ And the ritually slaughtered bull

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♪ But it's all for him
♪ Amun-Ra

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♪ The sun god is never, ever full

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♪ Everyone backs out

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♪ A priest and me
Lift the veil, start the ritual

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♪ Bang on those drums
♪ Amun-Ra

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♪ Cos the whole world dies
if we fail

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♪ All the priests in the temple pray

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♪ Amun-Ra, Amun-Ra

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♪ Bring the day

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♪ All waiting for the sun

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♪ To wake for the Egyptians... ♪

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HE WHISTLES

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♪ Here comes the dawn
We're all safe

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♪ It's time to put my fake beard on

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{\an8}
♪ Like Amun-Ra

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♪ And the Pharaoh's work is
never done

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♪ All the priests in the temple say

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♪ Hatshepsut,
you must do this every day

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♪ It's not that much fun

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♪ To wake like an Egyptian. ♪

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Come here, you dirty,
great bit of cheese.

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I want...
ALARM RINGS

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Oh! Morning.

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Oh, I hate getting up.

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Whilst nowadays,

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we use an alarm or shouting
parents to help us get out of bed,

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in the past both regular people
and kings and queens

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needed some extra specialist systems
when it came to starting their day.

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{\an8}I've got 500 people who need to be
working in my factory by 6am.

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But there's no way I'm going to pay
them enough to afford alarm clocks.

66
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We could call... the knocker-upper?

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I heard someone was looking for me.

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She'll give everyone
a wake-up call.

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Thanks, Jane!

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Thank you!

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Ow, my eye! You're welcome.

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And with her trusty pea-shooter.

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{\an8}You can't hit the snooze button.

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Sorry about the bed pan, Jane.
I woke up in a bad mood.

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That's OK, lady.

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Still, I should have
emptied it first.

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The knocker-upper in...

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HE SNORES

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IN FRENCH ACCENT: It is time
for you to wake up, Your Majesty.

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Eeeh!

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Hello, my subjects. It is I,
King Louise XIV.

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What's up?

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Lots of you have been asking,

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00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,520
"Hey Louis, how come you look so
banging every morning?"

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Well, it's a good question.

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It's partly down to
my natural awesomeness,

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but I do get a teensy,
weensy bit of help.

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Say hello! Hey! Bonjour!

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This is my chief valet de chambre,
Alexandre Bontemps.

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00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,720
He is one of the most powerful
people in all of France.

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00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:38,200
I get to sleep in a tiny bed
in the corner of his bedroom.

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Super cool!

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The closer I let people get to me
the more important they are,

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{\an8}and he is so close to me he can
literally breathe in my pantalon...

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00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,400
HE FARTS
There we go, eeeh!

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00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,880
{\an8}Eh-eh! Hashtag, winning at life!

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After wakey-wakey,

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00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,400
my physician and surgeon come in to
check if I'm super fit

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00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,080
and to take off my night shirt.
You are just a slacker!

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00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,040
These important moments
give them a chance

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00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,120
to ask me for a private favour.

102
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,120
{\an8}I have a little dispute
with the neighbour.

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00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:09,280
{\an8}I was wondering,

104
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could you have him arrested
and all his land seized?

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00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,000
Well, if you scratch my back,
I'll scratch yours.

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Oi! Back-scratching is my job!

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00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,760
Once I am out of my sweaty
nightshirt, I have a quick pray.

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Dear God, aren't we both awesome?

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Amen.

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And then I get dressed
in my other bedroom

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in front of my courtiers.

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THEY CHEER

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00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,120
Hey, who's got my undies?

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00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:36,440
Ah... I give them responsibility
for different items of clothing,

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so once they are arguing over
who owns my under-crackers,

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they are less likely to
plot against me, eh?

117
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:46,680
That is Maurice.

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He used to be
in charge of my undies,

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but he missed a lot of skids.

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Didn't you, Maurice?

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It's too late, now!

122
00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:00,800
Throughout all of this,
I wear a little sleeping wig.

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00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,440
{\an8}Well, I don't want to look stupid,
you know?

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So, who wants to help me
get changed?

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MEN ARGUE

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So much to do before
you can get going, eh?

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OK, you're up and dressed.

128
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:19,640
So what's next? Time to check your
news feed and brush those teeth,

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00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:23,800
obvs. In ancient Rome, however,
we did things differently.

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When it came to cleaning our teeth,

131
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well, let's just say
you've got it better in your time.

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And we certainly didn't get the
news from our phone, tablet or TV.

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{\an8}COCK CROWS

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{\an8}There was a lot of noise in the city
last night. I barely slept a wink.

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I wonder what's going on. Well,
why don't you listen to the news?

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Good idea. Articulus!

137
00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,040
What are the headlines?

138
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,880
What, really?
It is quite a long way to...

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00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,560
Articulus... who's the slave here?

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Ugh... fine.

141
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,640
Hello, I'm Articulus.
Here is the news,

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as displayed this morning
on the forum wall,

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which is a really long way away,
actually. Hm.

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00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,200
The slave rebellion led by Spartacus

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has defeated a Roman legion
near Mount Garganus

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00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,800
and now threatens Rome itself.

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00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,960
Hm, that's a little concerning.
Authorities are concerned

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that slaves in the city may join
the rebels, not least because

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00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,600
some of them have to go down to
the forum first thing in the morning

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00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:36,360
because their masters are too lazy
to get the news themselves.

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00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,760
Fake news. What's the celebrity
news?

152
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:40,880
Oh... Well, I didn't check.

153
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,200
Well, you know what to do.

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00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:45,320
HE SIGHS
Unbelievable.

155
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:54,680
Well?

156
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,280
HE PANTS
Give me a minute.

157
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,400
It's a super-boohoo day, girlfriend,

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00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,640
as Rome lost one of
our golden gladiators,

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00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:03,520
hashtag, Sadiator.

160
00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:05,600
Oh, dear. That is sad.

161
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:10,280
RIP Crixus, who was killed by Roman
soldiers during the slave uprising.

162
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:13,840
The uprising that was caused
by the mistreatment of slaves.

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00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:15,080
Things like, I don't know,

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making them go and get the news
first thing every morning.

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00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:21,440
Boring. What about the sport?
You are joking me?

166
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:24,240
No, but I'll be selling you
to a lion tamer

167
00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,640
if you don't get me the sports news. Argh.

168
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,000
Ow!

169
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,240
What's taking him so long?

170
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:39,760
Oh!

171
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,120
Oh, it burns.

172
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:44,040
It'll be a slow day
in the Circus Maximus,

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00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:47,480
because loads of the gladiators
have joined the slave rebellion

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and the cleverer Romans
don't want to risk

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arming the rest of
the very angry slaves.

176
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:55,000
Ah. Yes, I see the point.

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00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,880
Yeah, that's it for today. I'll
have more news for you tomorrow,

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00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,040
assuming I haven't joined
the rebellion.

179
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,720
Yes, you know what?
Have tomorrow morning off.

180
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,320
I'll wander down
and look for myself. Hmm.

181
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:06,520
Hm.

182
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,240
You look fantastic.

183
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:17,640
Pointy nose like Cleopatra's,
eyes like stars

184
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,720
and that stole you're wearing -
you slay, girlfriend.

185
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,720
And then you smile.

186
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,120
Argh, you look like a horse.
NEIGHING

187
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,920
A horse with bad teeth.

188
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:31,360
Of course, we all know
that gargling with bull's bile

189
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:35,600
and brushing with the burnt ashes of
their hair keep the dentist away.

190
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:40,680
{\an8}But for brighter, whiter teeth,
you need Iberian boy wee.

191
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,320
{\an8}It's new, Iberian boy wee.

192
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:44,520
{\an8}I beg your pardon?

193
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:47,920
Want to know my secret?
Well, URINE...

194
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,640
for a treat.

195
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,160
Here comes the Roman science bit.

196
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,480
Beast smacks like dormice
can stick in your teeth

197
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,600
and rot like Brutus's bum sponge.

198
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:01,400
But it's actually red wine which
makes your teeth look - ew -

199
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,800
really disgusting.

200
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,960
CAT WAILS
Of course, we've all used normal wee

201
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,680
on centipede bites
and hedgehog wounds,

202
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,600
{\an8}but Iberian boy wee cleans

203
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,920
your grill with just one swill.

204
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,800
Is it fresh? It sure is.

205
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,560
Thank you, Jose.
Drink it while it's warm.

206
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:22,080
And spit.

207
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:24,760
And guess what?

208
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:27,840
The more you drink, the more you...
Stink?

209
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,760
{\an8}...shine, I was going to say.

210
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:33,600
{\an8}For natural, brighter, whiter teeth,

211
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:37,560
tinkle, drinkle and winkle

212
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:40,360
with new, Iberian boy wee.

213
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:45,320
I can't understand why you humans

214
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:48,040
stopped using wee
to clean your teeth.

215
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:51,680
It's the one time we agreed on
personal hygiene.

216
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,960
But whatever. You do you.

217
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:58,800
Anyway, on with our daily life,
and morning routine done,

218
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,040
it's off to school or work.

219
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:05,080
Although back in 1850s England,
it wasn't just the grown-ups

220
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:08,320
who were heading out the door
to make a living.

221
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,200
{\an8}There he is, our birthday boy!

222
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,560
11 years old. They grow up so fast!

223
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:21,240
Thanks, Mum and Dad. I'm going to
eat cake and open presents all day.

224
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,320
I don't think they'll
allow that. Who?

225
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,880
BOTH:

226
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:28,360
♪ It's time that you knew

227
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:31,760
♪ Age 11's the time

228
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,200
♪ That you're sent down the mine. ♪

229
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,760
The mine?
KNOCKING

230
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,080
SHE CHUCKLES
Is it this one?

231
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,200
Yes, Mrs Harris.
Arms up, birthday boy.

232
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,840
What are you doing?
I am measuring you for a harness.

233
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:46,080
Great, you're the perfect size
to be a hurrier.

234
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,120
It's one of the small
children we use

235
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:51,000
{\an8}to crawl into the tightest,
deepest parts of the mine

236
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,160
{\an8}on their hands and knees,

237
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,640
dragging a sledge full of coal
like a tiny, choking horse.

238
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,400
Oh, you used to love playing horses,
didn't you, William?

239
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,280
This harness should fit.

240
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:03,080
Oh, our little lad.
What's he like in the dark?

241
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,760
I'm scared there's monsters.

242
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,920
Don't worry, the mine's pitch-black,

243
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,840
so if there are monsters,
you won't be able to see them.

244
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,800
See, nothing to worry about.

245
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:14,360
Now, look sharp -
your shift starts in ten minutes.

246
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:15,800
Don't be late.

247
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,360
But Mum, what about school? School?

248
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:22,040
School's not for people like us,
love. You're lucky you were born

249
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:23,880
just after they
raised the age to 11.

250
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,440
Alfie, Thomas and Zack
all had to go down the mines

251
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,280
when they were age six.
Who are they? Your brothers.

252
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:33,200
They're still down there. Somewhere.

253
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,160
You can say hello if you see them.

254
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,080
Or hear them, I should say. Oh!

255
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,200
I nearly forgot, this... is for you.

256
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,560
At least you got me
a birthday present.

257
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:45,680
It's to keep the coal dust
out of your lungs. And William...

258
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,960
BOTH: Happy Birthday.

259
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,440
Are there times in your day when you
need to know what the time is?

260
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:58,000
Are there times in your day when
you find time is against you?

261
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,080
Then it's time for you
to get the new incense clock

262
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:03,480
from 11th-century
Song dynasty China.

263
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,520
Sandlewood...

264
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,200
It's nearly lunchtime.

265
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,480
Let your nose tell you the time,

266
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,440
as the clock burns
different fragrances

267
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:12,960
at different times of the day.

268
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,440
I must remember to pick up
the kids from school

269
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:16,800
at a quarter to cinnamon.

270
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:20,680
The incense clock.
Time has never smelled better.

271
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:24,160
Mmm, what does that
burning smell mean?

272
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,320
It means you've left the oven on.

273
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,360
Argh!

274
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,800
It's Wednesday afternoon,

275
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,920
and following a highly-spirited
star versus pupils football match,

276
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:37,360
headteacher Mrs Thomas
urgently needs a supply teacher

277
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:41,120
for the final two lessons
of the day - English and PE.

278
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,560
This is Historical Educating.

279
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,640
I really outdid myself.

280
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,440
Our new supply teacher

281
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,480
is not only one of the greatest
sportsmen of all time,

282
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,840
but some knights
like to write poetry.

283
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,920
So... double tick.

284
00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:01,160
Our pupils can learn a lot
from such a noble man.

285
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,320
I am William Marshal, and today

286
00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,240
I will be teaching you all
how to attack people from behind.

287
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,200
But sir, this is English.

288
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,360
We're supposed to be practising
essay-writing. Hah!

289
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,240
Writing's for mugs.

290
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,520
You need to get in
your daily exercise.

291
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,120
You need to learn to fight.

292
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:20,400
We normally just do sports,
like running or rounders.

293
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:21,600
Ha, nonsense.

294
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:25,200
The point of sport,
or physical education,

295
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,640
is preparing for war.

296
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,440
So, choose your weapon.

297
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,240
THEY GASP

298
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:32,840
Wow, no way!

299
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,360
Best teacher ever.

300
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:39,320
Now you're all heavily armed,
let's play a tournament.

301
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:42,440
First to conquer the school wins.

302
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:44,760
Go, go, go!

303
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,640
CHILDREN CHEER

304
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:52,520
They call him the greatest knight
in history.

305
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:57,120
TEARFULLY: And he's teaching
at our school.

306
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:59,280
CHILDREN SHOUT

307
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:00,520
Death to homework!

308
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,360
SHOUTING

309
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,160
If... if you'd excuse me
for a second.

310
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,160
Oh, no, no, no, no.

311
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,640
Don't poke with it,
it's not a stick.

312
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:14,640
You bash them with it until
their helmets are so squashed,

313
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:15,800
they can't get them off.

314
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:17,120
Happened to me, lads.

315
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:18,880
Happened to me twice.

316
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:22,160
Uh, William? Can I have a word,
please? Yes, yes. Why not?

317
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,400
Ooh. I captured the teacher.

318
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,120
Ah. Did he have a horse?

319
00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:29,800
No. Ah, that's a shame,
we could have kept it.

320
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,120
Never mind, send him back
to his family.

321
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:35,440
What? That's how I made my money.
We do not arm children!

322
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,640
You're fired. Please get off
the premises immediately.

323
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:39,800
CHILDREN SHOUT
Please!

324
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:43,720
Mrs Thomas has since
agreed with Ofsted

325
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,960
that medieval knights working
in English or games department

326
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,240
are not a good thing.

327
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:53,240
Ah, I wish my school had had
knights for teachers.

328
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,720
All we ever did was the three Rs -

329
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:59,320
reading, writing
and running away from cats.

330
00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:01,160
CAT SQUEALS, HE CACKLES

331
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:04,640
So, once school and work are done,
it's dinner time.

332
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:06,720
BELL RINGS
My favourite bit of the day.

333
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,320
But what time is dinner?

334
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,160
You see, throughout history,

335
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,600
the times at which
we've eaten our meals,

336
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:18,280
and even what we've actually called
those meals, have kept changing.

337
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,360
Hmm.

338
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,840
Four historical strangers, one
meal, so many different names.

339
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:25,680
What could possibly go wrong?

340
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,080
It's 9:30 in the morning

341
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,160
and despite there still being
ten hours till dinner,

342
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:32,240
late 19th-century icon and founder
of nursing, Florence Nightingale,

343
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,960
is hard at work in the kitchen.
What can I say?

344
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,840
I like to be organised.
KNOCK ON DOOR

345
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,560
That'll be the postman.
She'll be lucky.

346
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,520
Just ten hours early,
it's her first guest,

347
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,160
11th-century king and warrior,
William the Conqueror.

348
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:46,400
Darling, I hope I'm not late. Late?

349
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,800
You're coming for dinner
and it's three hours before lunch.

350
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,840
Lunch was invented till hundreds
of years after he died, lamp lady -

351
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,040
good luck explaining that one.

352
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:54,960
Well, I've no idea what lunch is,

353
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:58,680
but in the Middle Ages,
dinner is at ten in the morning.

354
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,000
{\an8}And I'm hungry, and...

355
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,800
...let's get this over with.

356
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,360
I've got a lot of conquering to do.

357
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:09,880
It's ridiculous. Everybody knows,
ten in the morning,

358
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,600
yum, yum, dinner time.

359
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,200
Ow! But I'm hungry!

360
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,360
You'll have to wait for your dinner.
It's only noon

361
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:18,200
and nobody else will be here
until at least...

362
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,440
KNOCKING

363
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:21,920
Second to arrive and only
seven-and-a-half hours early

364
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,520
is Tudor writer William Shakespeare.

365
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:24,680
Hi.

366
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,680
Nice to see you. Sorry I'm late.
Doing some blooming rewrites.

367
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:31,160
Late? Yeah. It's only lunchtime.
You're early.

368
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,400
Oh. Sorry, what's lunchtime?

369
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:34,480
Oh, dear.

370
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,520
So I'm hoping lunchtime,
whatever that is, is over soon,

371
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,640
because I am getting hangry.

372
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,840
That's a fusion of two words,
hungry and angry.

373
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,360
I'm a wordsmith. We'll take
thy word for it, William.

374
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,520
Summer's lease hath
all too short a date,

375
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:51,440
and if dinner doesn't come
soon, we'll starve at this rate.

376
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,800
Well, at least my last guest
will be here on time.

377
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,640
KNOCKING
Surely dinner guest number three

378
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:56,720
will be an improvement.

379
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,280
No, it's 18th-century pirate, Blackbeard.

380
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,320
SLURRING: Alas, ye landlubbers!

381
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:06,120
{\an8}Send ye to
Davy Jones' locker, so I will.

382
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:07,200
I beg your pardon?

383
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,160
I am so sorry. People normally
expect a bit of a show.

384
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:13,520
Yeah, I'm just not sure
that Florence got on board

385
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,960
with the whole pirate thing.
Tough crowd.

386
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,720
I'm not late, am I? Much obliged.

387
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:24,560
We usually have dinner at 2pm
so, uh, I'm starving.

388
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,120
In my play Twelfth Night, I wrote,

389
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:28,840
"If music be the food of love,
play on."

390
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,680
Well, if food be important
to a dinner party,

391
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,400
then don't go to this one.

392
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:38,480
Why have I got to wait four hours?
Dinner's in the afternoon.

393
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,080
That's supper. Dinner's at midday.

394
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:43,160
No, dinner is early in the morning.
That's breakfast.

395
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,120
As I say in one of my sonnets...

396
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:48,760
One more word about your sonnets
and I'll cut off your head.

397
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,000
Yeah, and I'll set fire to your beard.

398
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,480
OK, I think I see the problem.
In the Middle Ages,

399
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,040
breakfast was when you woke up
and dinner was at breakfast time.

400
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,840
Then in the 16th century, dinner
was lunch and supper was dinner.

401
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,320
Then in the 18th century
breakfast was at breakfast time,

402
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,480
{\an8}nothing was for lunch,
dinner was at tea time

403
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,440
{\an8}and supper was in the evening.
Tea time?

404
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,960
What in the...? Then from the
Victorian times when I was around,

405
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,200
breakfast was at breakfast time,

406
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,840
lunch was at lunchtime, tea was at
tea time, dinner was at dinner time.

407
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:17,360
So, if anybody isn't happy eating
dinner when we Victorians ate it,

408
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,120
you can leave.

409
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:21,360
Well, that's them told. Oooh!

410
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:24,200
Join us next time, when it's all
back to Blackbeard's flagship

411
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:25,600
The Queen Anne's Revenge
for dinner.

412
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,400
We're having a traditional
pirate-voyage meal

413
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,880
of stale bread
infested with weevils

414
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,560
{\an8}and meat so old and dry
you could carve it into buttons.

415
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:37,280
Yeah, I think I'm
washing my hair then.

416
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:38,680
Bon voyage, land lovers.

417
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,880
Now, at some point in the day,

418
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,360
you're going to need to go, er...
FLIES BUZZING

419
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,400
...for a number two.

420
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:51,320
And if you're my dad, it will
probably be after dinner.

421
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,320
And you'll be in there an hour.

422
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:57,120
Now, in modern times,
you've got toilets for all that.

423
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,640
But in the Middle Ages,
most of us didn't.

424
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:03,720
And that gave one man an idea
for a whole new career.

425
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,280
{\an8}That dinner was delightful. Well,
you certainly enjoyed yourself.

426
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,560
Not sure three helpings of cabbage
was a good idea.

427
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,880
Well, it's not every day
you get to visit...

428
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,000
STOMACH GROWLS

429
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,640
Oh, dear. You're just going to
have to hold it.

430
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,880
I don't think I can hold it.
Greetings, friend.

431
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:24,120
'Tis I, Loo Man,

432
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:28,400
AKA the Caped Convenience,
AKA The Walking Water Closet,

433
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,360
AKA The Living Little Boys' Room.

434
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:34,560
I come when people need to go.

435
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,560
Whatever. Gangway!

436
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,640
FARTING
Aaah!

437
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,560
FARTING CONTINUES

438
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:49,680
Excuse me, do not use
the cape to wipe on.

439
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:51,720
Use the glad rags provided.

440
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,520
Unbelievable.

441
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,200
Thank you.

442
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,480
Whoever you are.
I told you, I'm Loo Man.

443
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:00,320
Your bill. Oh.

444
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,360
Didn't realise there'd be
any charge.

445
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,400
Do you think people do this for fun?

446
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:06,640
How much?! That's daylight robbery!

447
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:09,920
Overcharging again, Thomas Butcher?
Do not reveal my secret identity.

448
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:13,440
It's not much of a secret! People
can smell you coming a mile off.

449
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,800
Look, he's charged us a shilling
to spend a penny.

450
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:17,920
I think you'll find
I didn't do anything, officer.

451
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,200
Didn't do anything?
What is that, then?

452
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,880
Where did this come from?
Are poos falling from the sky?

453
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:25,000
That was in there when I went in.

454
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:26,920
He's lying, it's still warm.

455
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,320
You're coming with me -
overcharging again.

456
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,360
{\an8}STOMACH GROWLS
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

457
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:32,520
{\an8}Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

458
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,120
Keep the change.

459
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:36,960
Aaaah!

460
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,720
FARTING
I might be in here a while.

461
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,960
Have you got a bigger bucket?

462
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,200
FARTING

463
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,560
Getting paid for poo...

464
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,120
Ah...

465
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:53,120
Thomas Butcher
was living the dream.

466
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:57,280
And the time for dreams is nearly
here, as It's almost bedtime.

467
00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:00,360
But first, our daily wash.

468
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:03,720
Back in the past, a wash a day
wasn't always considered

469
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,880
the done thing, even for Royals.

470
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:10,320
Seriously, I preferred it back then.

471
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,000
Much stinkier.

472
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,440
HE LAUGHS

473
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,320
Ready to be dressed for bed,
my queen?

474
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:20,680
Five more minutes.

475
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,640
Another bath, Your Majesty?

476
00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,480
She only had one last month.

477
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,600
And I'll have one next month.

478
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,120
A bath a month,
whether I need it or not.

479
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,400
Isn't that right, Mr Swanny?

480
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,200
Mr Swanny says, "Yes,
that's right," and I know best

481
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:35,680
because I'm The Queen.

482
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,280
SHE FARTS

483
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,680
WATER BUBBLES

484
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,280
GASPING: Mr Swanny!

485
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,520
Her Majesty mustn't
take so many baths.

486
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:46,640
They're bad for you.

487
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,640
Well, I like them.

488
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,160
Yes, we know that.

489
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,720
We have to carry
a portable one around with us

490
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,360
every time you want to travel.

491
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,400
That thing is not easy
to lift on to the cart.

492
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:01,080
All I ask is for a little Royal
me-time once a month

493
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:05,280
in a nice bath, to take my mind off
unhappy thoughts like...

494
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:08,160
...beheading ungrateful servants
who keep picking on me.

495
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,280
Quite right,
your Royal beautifulness.

496
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:13,480
Be a treasure and wash my hair,
would you? Certainly, ma'am.

497
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,520
SERVANT SINGS

498
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:16,800
Ahh.

499
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:18,480
I'll bring it back when it's done.

500
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,880
{\an8}Who'd have thought it?

501
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,880
{\an8}Dinner with Samuel Pepys.

502
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,640
HE CHUCKLES
Such a wonderful evening.

503
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:32,680
Very good to meet you.

504
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,400
Thank you for agreeing
to share a bed.

505
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:41,480
Well, needs must, Mr Pepys. Much too
late to travel home, so here I am.

506
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,480
We both are.

507
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,440
Well, goodnight.

508
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,360
Let's have a little chat.

509
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:55,520
What? Tell me, do you always go for
that side of the bed?

510
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:57,080
Is it, like, a superstitious thing?

511
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,000
What's your favourite sleeping
position?

512
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,120
Like, how do you normally
drift off and go to sleep?

513
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:05,000
In a quiet room with the lights off.
I'm exactly the same!

514
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,680
We're perfect bedfellows. So hard to
find a match, don't you think?

515
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,200
It would certainly seem that way.

516
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:14,160
Same religion, same class... And
obviously, both men or both women.

517
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:18,120
And imagine having a bedfellow
who wanted to talk all night.

518
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:20,440
I'm imagining it
and it's very annoying!

519
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:24,880
SAMUEL LAUGHS HEARTILY
I'm just going to turn over and...

520
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,160
...close my eyes.

521
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:34,840
Funny story.

522
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:38,160
I was staying at someone's house,
got up in the middle of the night,

523
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:41,600
couldn't find the loo anywhere
and did a poo in the fireplace.

524
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:44,760
{\an8}HE LAUGHS
You couldn't write it!

525
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,560
Sweet dreams.

526
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,400
Oh, bother...

527
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:55,200
WHISPERING LOUDLY: Sorry...

528
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:58,520
I forgot to do my daily diary entry.

529
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:00,280
Won't take a second.

530
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,080
"Dear diary...

531
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:10,760
"I have a new bedfellow.

532
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:12,840
"He seems nice.

533
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:16,320
"Brackets, bit of a chatterbox.

534
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,000
"Roars sleepily..." Ugh!

535
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,360
Where are you going?

536
00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:22,920
Somewhere I might actually
get some sleep.

537
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:26,320
William, I wouldn't sleep there
if I were you.

538
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,960
Have you pooed
in the fireplace again?

539
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:31,160
Sweet dreams!

540
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:32,680
Urgh!

541
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:35,080
HE YAWNS

542
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:38,480
The sun has set
and I'm off to sleep.

543
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:43,280
I've got a comfy bed
and a poo in the fireplace.

544
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,520
Reminds me of the sewer.

545
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:49,120
So it's just what I need
to help me nod off.

546
00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:50,720
It's a rat thing.

547
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,200
But I'm not the only one
with weird bedtime rituals.

548
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,200
Just ask the Tudors.

549
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:57,640
Night, night.

550
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:04,640
♪ Give your hair a toss,
check for lice

551
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:06,720
♪ Darling, how you feeling,
cos it's time for bed

552
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:09,240
♪ Yeah, toss, check for lice

553
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,720
♪ Nothing feeling creepy,
then it's time for bed

554
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,560
♪ Woo, child,
hanging out the bed poo

555
00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:17,120
{\an8}
or it should do

556
00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:19,520
♪ Yes, girl, have some of this too

557
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,120
♪ Lettuce on your temples,
that'll help you sleep through

558
00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:23,760
♪ Nightcap for beddy-byes

559
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:25,120
♪ Block the moon's rays

560
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:26,920
♪ And you know why

561
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:31,440
♪ If you want to live to be old

562
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:36,080
♪ Don't let the moon's rays
make you cold

563
00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:37,880
♪ I'll wrap you in cloth

564
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:39,280
♪ Check your limbs

565
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:40,800
♪ Gotta keep you straight

566
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,160
♪ Put it round your head

567
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,040
♪ Sleep lots,
rest's good for you

568
00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:45,840
♪ But if you get too much

569
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:47,680
♪ You'll be ill in bed

570
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,040
♪ Yes, it's time for bed

571
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:50,680
♪ Darling, how you feeling?

572
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,320
♪ Yes, it's time for bed... ♪

573
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,360
SHE RAPS: Woo, Gran,
need to kick off your boots

574
00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:56,840
Now just take a deep breath
and let's focus on you

575
00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:59,280
Got these red drapes,
here's what we Tudors do

576
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:01,920
Girl, cos you've had a fever,
gonna draw around you

577
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:03,680
♪ Grandad, just close your eyes

578
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,000
♪ Sleep in this chair

579
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:06,400
♪ Sing lullabies

580
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:08,840
♪ Might feel strange
but if you sleep upright

581
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:12,000
♪ That will help digest
your food tonight

582
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:16,400
♪ We think sleeping
propped up straight

583
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:21,080
♪ Will stop us getting tummy ache

584
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:22,880
{\an8}

585
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:24,200
♪ Check for lice

586
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:25,720
♪ Are you getting sleepy?

587
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,120
♪ Cos it's time for bed

588
00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:29,440
♪ Here comes my advice

589
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:30,640
♪ Don't sleep on your belly

590
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:31,880
{\an8}

591
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:33,160
♪ On your back

592
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:34,400
♪ Just don't go there

593
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,960
♪ Makes phlegm go to your brain
and you'll get nightmares

594
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:41,640
♪ If you can't see the sun no more

595
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:46,040
♪ Then let me hear you
start to snore

596
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,200
♪ If you have sleep loss

597
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:49,360
♪ That's not nice

598
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:51,840
♪ You know what I'm saying
♪ And it's time for bed

599
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:54,480
♪ Yeah, boss, check for lice

600
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:56,920
♪ Tell me, how you feeling?
♪ Like it's time for bed

601
00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:59,360
♪ Dung pot tempts the lice

602
00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:02,000
♪ So we don't get bitten
but it makes me wretch

603
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,360
♪ Yes, boss, check for lice

604
00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:05,520
♪ Can we go to sleep now?

605
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:06,760
♪ Yes, it's time for bed. ♪

606
00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:11,040
SNORING

607
00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:18,240
Be natural.

608
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,440
Can you control...

609
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:21,760
THEY LAUGH

610
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:23,760
Thank you. Whoever you are.

611
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:25,960
I told you I was Poo Man.

612
00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:27,120
Loo man.

613
00:28:27,120 --> 00:28:30,040
♪ The past is no longer a mystery

614
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:31,720
♪ Hope you enjoyed...

615
00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:35,520
♪ ..Horrible Histories. ♪

616
00:28:35,570 --> 00:28:40,120
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